trigger warning: this essay heavily discusses Jennifer’s relationship with her eating disorder and if that topic is upsetting for you, please, take care while you read.
My eating disorder started whenever I was 13Growing up in the small, rural community of Shirley, Arkansas, I had little exposure to and education about mental health. My elementary school had a guidance counselor, but I don’t remember meeting with her much. However, I very clearly remember being bullied and how brutal teenage girls and boys can be. Purging was, unfortunately, popular with a couple of my friends and I was curious about what it could do for me. I had only recently become concerned about my weight. I suppose it’s a side effect of maturing.
The truth about eating disorders is that they are a bigger issue than we admit, in addition to being misconceived and poorly represented. For instance, in 2012 a team led by Dr. Daniel Le Grange, now a professor of psychiatry at the University of California, San Francisco, conducted a study and found at least 30 million Americans of all genders and ages suffer from an eating disorder. In addition, results from a 2011 study suggest eating disorders affect all races and ethnic groups, implying there is no cultural bias. If eating disorders are this prevalent, why are they not being discussed more? An eating disorder can present itself in many different forms and some of the most well known forms are binge eating disorder, anorexia nervosa, and bulimia nervosa. My eating disorder has spent time in all three arenas. The eating disorder voice will manifest in whatever way it can. In my experience, different triggers lead to different behaviors. For both women and men, anorexia has been correlated with anxiety and social phobia, but the triggers are usually individualized and a result of a self-critical voice that everyone has an experience with at some point in their life.
The negative, self-criticizing voice usually shows up early and successfully blooms around pubescence. It disguises itself as a simple desire initially: “If only I were [blank], then I would be seen as [blank] enough.” This desire gradually develops into an obsession. For each person, the self-criticizing voice varies, both among and within each person. Some learn to combat negative thoughts and some never do because they are too busy trying to survive the intensity of their internal dialogue. We all create our own reality and it is up to us to continuously test what is valid and rational whenever our minds run away from us. I like to think of it as the “rabbit-hole.” It’s the endless “what-ifs,” “if only’s,” and “am I [blank] enough” that run loops in your mind at the end of the day or upon closure of an important event. Some people do not have the ability to fight those thoughts because they were never taught how. Or maybe they were, they just weren’t in the place to hear it.
This is sad, but it is true everywhere. In gymnastics, it was brought to my attention that the less a person weighs, the better gymnast and athlete that person could be. I remember waiting in line for our yearly Body Mass Index assessments in the auditorium and being so sad whenever my fellow classmates weighed less than me – wasn’t I doing the right thing? I was in gymnastics, athletic, and didn’t eat much – wasn’t that enough?
My family said to suck in my stomach and not push out because it was “unlady like” and unattractive. I was told I would gain a lot of weight when my period started, so I would have to eat less then. I was a lacking late bloomer and quickly became known as the small and skinny kid. I can clearly remember my mom saying that I didn’t have curves and some said my freckles
were unattractive, but I quickly realized I was great at being skinny and being thin got me compliments from friends and family.
My eating disorder began during a time in my life that was hectic and overwhelming. My father was struggling with the loss of his parents. He took it really hard and it led to a rough patch between my parents as my father struggled with alcoholism and his parents’ passing catalyzed a rock-bottom event for him. Though my parents never separated, this period of time was very tough. Many transitions occurred and it was painful to see what both my mother and father were going through as I was only 13 and didn’t really understand it all. I knew that we were stressed for money, dad was really upset, and I needed to help mom as much as I could.
Because this was such a tough time for me, it makes sense that my eating disorder originated when it did. My eating disorder, like all eating disorders, serves as a form of control and a coping mechanism. My eating disorder became and still is my safety blanket. Though it was through as I was only 13 and didn’t really helpful temporarily, the cost benefit ratio changes quite a bit in the long run. It kept me thin and made me feel powerful for a long time, but now I’m starting to see the negative side effects and what a true burden it has been all of these years. My eating disorder’s voice created unhealthy and unrealistic black-and-white thinking, increased my anxiety, caused multiple health issues, and prevented me from living a life that I, Jenn, want to live. Life is supposed to be about honoring our values and contributing to society, but there is so much focus on being validated by others that I worry we are losing the ability to validate ourselves; I definitely had.
As I look back, I can see the patterns and how my eating disorder has gradually evolved and grown with me. Throughout high school, it was on full blast, but I was extremely secretive about it. Once it decided to stay, it nestled itself in and made a home. From age 14 to 26, I purged at least three times a day. It got to where if I ate anything I wanted to purge it. It became a habit that I desired to do. I was never a fan of eating a lot of food because I had always received subtle cues from my mom that eating a lot of food was bad and it was better to not finish a full plate. I would occasionally go on binges, but it was difficult to get away with and I felt a lot of shame from it. Shame became both the origin and a result of my eating disorder.
During my undergraduate years at the University of Central Arkansas, my eating disorder found new ways to control my life. I found myself replacing my meals with alcohol to numb the negative thoughts and put something in my stomach that I wouldn’t have the desire to purge. My eating disorder absolutely LOVED the rotating diet trends during my time as an undergraduate. I spent so many mornings obsessively working out and only rewarding myself with food when I worked hard enough.
Whenever I was in middle school, a really close childhood friend would act out on behaviors with me and we would binge massive amounts of food then purge it all in the woods down the road from our houses. We did this regularly from ages 13 to 16 and caregivers thought nothing of it because they weren’t paying attention and we were very secretive about it. Unfortunately, that childhood friend is now dead due to her alcohol addiction and life-long struggle with an eating disorder; she was buried in spring 2016, a few months before I moved to Waco to begin my Master of Science degree in the department of Geosciences at Baylor.
While at Baylor, I battled the same two demons: my relationship with alcohol and my eating disorder. The alcohol numbed the pain and kept me from isolating because it reduced the overthinking and stopped my thoughts from running wild. Whenever I lost my friend, I felt helpless and guilty. Afterall, we both battled similar demons – it wasn’t and isn’t fair, to me, that she is gone and I am still here. The guilt, pain, and shame were too much and I didn’t want to deal with it anymore, so I would restrict and drink to push through. I withdrew from graduate classes during my first semester at Baylor. My therapist and doctors strongly encouraged me to seek professional treatment for my eating disorder and drinking. I entered treatment and took the spring semester off, focusing on outpatient recovery and creating a support system for myself in Waco. Luckily for me, the Baylor mental health community was immediately on top of my declining situation and stepped in to help whenever I didn’t know what was right for me.
When I returned to Baylor in the fall of 2017, I was newly sober and determined to conquer my eating disorder, maintain sobriety, conduct my own research, and write a thesis. It was not easy and it took a lot of effort. There were many days, at times weeks, where I felt as if I would never recover. I went regularly to therapy, group sessions, and doctors’ appointments at the Student Health Center to keep myself accountable and on track. Shaking the black-and-white mentality born from my eating disorder is a daily struggle and I’ve come to learn it requires persistence, not perfection.
The negative stigma surrounding mental health has made discussing important, crucial issues very difficult in today’s society. We grow up hearing phrases like ‘tough it up’, ‘don’t be a cry baby’, ‘stop being dramatic’. These statements are often directed toward us with a preconceived idea that we, as humans, experience emotions and feelings in a black-and-white way – it’s either painful or it isn’t. The devastating truth is that our emotions and feelings, the way we truly feel and express them, is a result of our genetics and environment. As a result, all humans create a “reality filter” that is constructed from ideas and notions we eagerly gather as we learn how to navigate life. Talking about these stigmas breaks down this black-and-white worldview, making us see the role shame plays in our lives, and, hopefully, diminishing its power. This is as much a public conversation as it is an internal one.
Finding support has made a world of difference and keeps me moving forward in recovery. I know I am not alone and hearing the true, raw, often messy struggles from other people is a powerful tool because we learn and grow from each other as much as on our own. I try to comfort the isolated little girl in me who feels unworthy, undeserving, and pointless – the girl who lets shame rule her -rather than tearing her apart whenever I make a mistake. I still struggle with this, but I am hopeful that with practice and time the negative voice of my eating disorder will subside.
